Subliminal Devices of Microscopic Marketing
by conrad panganiban
Harrison – early 20’s
Marié (Mah-ree-yay) – early 20’s
Mirabella – early 20’s
Setting: Harrison and Marié’s apartment
MARI´E
Looks like they got you good, Harrison.
HARRISON
Shh… you don’t have to yell. How bad does it look, Marié?
MARI´E
Lemme see. I don’t think that a penis on your forehead will come into fashion soon. Luckily, markers aren’t too permanent.
HARRISON
Fuckin’ Dino! He’s always carrying around a Sharpie. Oh, my head. I swear I’ll never drink again.
MARI´E
Sure you won’t. Hey, I was wondering, didn’t you have a class with Professor Lee?
HARRISON
Yeah. I’m glad I got that class out of the way.
MARI´E
Who’d of ever figured that a class called Business 319: Subliminal Devices of Microscopic Marketing would be so hard?
HARRISON
It really wasn’t that bad.
MARI´E
Wasn’t that bad? Did you hear about that one student a couple of semesters ago?
HARRISON
Jeremiah Splat?
MARI´E
That wasn’t his name.
HARRISON
What else do you call someone who jumps off the fifth story of the Business building after failing one of Professor Lee’s tests?
MARI´E
It wasn’t just a test. It was a final. Not only that, it was the Final Final. The one all marketing majors need to pass to graduate. And you’re saying that it wasn’t that bad?
HARRISON
Eh…
MARI´E
So, what’d you do get through it?
HARRISON
I’m just naturally gifted. What? What? Okay, fine… with… where is that thing? Bingo! With this.
MARI´E
Big whoop. Everybody needs that for the course.
HARRISON
Open it.
MARI´E
What the…? Where’d you get this?
HARRISON
And you said that the only benefit for joining Zeta Omega Psi was the Raging Keggers!
MARI´E
Isn’t it?
HARRISON
Well, yeah. But another thing is hookups from frat brothers. Dino gave it to me.
MARI´E
I love you, Harrison! The notes in here will so get me through to graduation.
HARRISON
Sorry. I’m giving this to Mirabella.
MARI´E
But you know how much I need this to graduate!
HARRISON
You can buy one from the bookstore.
MARI´E
Hello? I can’t buy the Teacher’s Edition at the store.
HARRISON
Sorry, muchacha. Yo no can-oh do-oh.
MARI´E
My dad will kill me if I don’t graduate!
HARRISON
I already promised her.
MARI´E
I’m your roommate.
HARRISON
But you don’t sleep with me.
MARI´E
I will if you give me the book.
HARRISON
Ew… you’re like my sister.
MARI´E
You’re right. I think I just threw up in my mouth. Okay. Okay. I’ll pay your share of next month’s rent.
HARRISON
You don’t have to do that.
MARI´E
I’ll also take care of the cleaning duties for the rest of the semester… including your bathroom.
HARRISON
The whole semester… No. I can’t do it. I’m in love with Mirabella. She needs it to graduate too. And when she does, we’ll both get good jobs at marketing firms, get married, and live happily ever after.
MARI´E
Don’t forget to visit my rotting corpse at the cemetery with your wife, kids, and minivan after my dad kills me for failing that class because you didn’t give me that book.
HARRISON
Guilt won’t work on me, cuz you’re not my mom. Besides, he’s not going to kill you.
MARI´E
Yes, he will! When we went to the Philippines last summer, he did things with a bolo knife to a pig that would make Jeffery Dahmer proud of him.
HARRISON
Speaking of which, is there any lechon left in the fridge?
MARI´E
Didn’t you even listen to a word I said? And No. Don’t you remember what you did to it after the party?
HARRISON
Why? Did I do something inappropriate with it?
MARI´E
You kinda blew chunks all over it. You really don’t remember anything from last night?
HARRISON
The last thing I remember was falling into the tub filled with Jello shots.
MARI´E
What about what happened after that?
HARRISON
I woke up naked in the laundry room. Don’t tell me that you took a picture of me in there. What’s that?
MARI´E
Dino borrowed my phone to take some pictures of ya! What else do we have here? Whoa. Uh…
HARRISON
What? Who is…? Give me that! Oh my God… Erase those picts, Marié!
MARI´E
Do you even know her name?
HARRISON
I don’t even know her.
MARI´E
Looks like she got to know you very well.
HARRISON
Oh my God. What did I do?
MARI´E
I know what you will do and that’s to give me the book.
HARRISON
That’s blackmail.
MARI´E
And this is cheating on your girlfriend.
HARRISON
You wouldn’t.
MARI´E
Apparently, you did.
HARRISON
(despondent) What did I do?
MARI´E
You can start by giving me the book.
HARRISON
Here. Keep it. Crap! What am I gonna do?
MARI´E
Harrison. I was kidding. Look. I’m deleting these. You know that I wasn’t really going to show these to Mirabella.
(Enter MIRABELLA)
MIRABELLA
Show me what? Hey, babe? Why’s there a penis drawn on your forehead?
THE END
NOTE: This is written as an exercise for my Playwriting Workshop. The workshop is offered through Bindlestiff Studio in San Francisco for their Stories High Program. The assignment: Write a scene with two characters. Character A wants a book from character B.