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Conrad A. Panganiban

Conrad A. Panganiban

playwright | conradap@gmail.com

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badass

B.A.D.A.S.S.

Posted on 02/20/202111/06/2022 by Conrad

B.A.D.A.S.S
A NuNu Zoom Play
written by
Conrad A. Panganiban

A screen shows the typical Zoom Box Layout with YASMIN [Yas-meen], the leader of the Aswang Social Society, San Francisco Chapter, and it’s members: JAEL [Ja-el], ASTRID, and new person, XIOMARA [See-oh-mara].

TRINITY, another member, suddenly pops up on screen.

TRINITY
Hey everyone.
I vote that we change our name.

YASMIN
Uh, welcome to the meeting, Trinity, but we haven’t even started yet.

JAEL
Yeah, I want to change our name too, Yasmin. Like, when did we become fucking Social?

TRINITY
Exactly! I second what Jael said, cuz I hate people.

YASMIN
Fine, we’ll add voting to change our name to the agenda. That make you happy?

TRINITY
Doesn’t make me not happy.

ASTRID
Oh! And are we really a Society?

YASMIN
You too, Astrid?

JAEL
Seriously. How many fucking societies only have four people?

YASMIN
Actually, there’s five of us now.

Silence as everyone looks at their screen suspiciously as the new person raises her hand to wave and say…

XIOMARA
Uh. Hi. I’m Xiomara. The new person.

TRINITY
Who let her in?

YASMIN
I did. She has some information that might be beneficial to
all of us.

TRINITY
Better be worth it.

YASMIN
Trust me, it is, Trinity.

JAEL
Wassup, I’m Jael.

ASTRID
And Hi! I’m Astrid. Welcome to our humble abode on Zoom.

TRINITY
Let’s find out what she has to say first before we Welcome
her.

YASMIN
Well, I’m going to welcome her. We’ve already met, but Hello, my name is Yasmin. And, thank you for joining us – The Aswang Social Society, San Francisco Chapter.

JAEL
Or ASS for short.

ASTRID
You know how Filipino Organizations love their acronyms.

TRINITY
And that’s why I vote that we change our name! I’m nobody’s ASS except for my own!

YASMIN
And we will vote on it-

JAEL
And why the fuck are we the San Francisco Chapter? I’m from Hayward. Trinity’s from Alameda.

TRINITY
And Astrid’s from San Mateo. Where you from Xiomara?

XIOMARA
From the Richmond.

TRINITY
See! East Bay Represent!

XIOMARA
Well, technically from the Inner Richmond. I live off of Balboa and 5th Avenue.

TRINITY
Traitor.

YASMIN
And I’m from Vallejo. But our founders have claimed this chapter’s name before the 1906 earthquake and societies are steeped in tradition. So, the San Francisco Chapter needs to be upheld.

JAEL
There won’t be fucking anything left to uphold if there’s no Society left in San Francisco or anywhere else in the Bay Area.

ASTRID
Jael’s right. I don’t know how long I can just keep eating Dinuguan. It’s frankly not the same thing.

JAEL
That’s why I started eating fucking Blood Pudding! (In a British Accent) Bloody Hell! How do British people even eat that stuff? And what the fook’s sake is it anyways? It fookin’ tastes nothing like human blood! Blech!

YASMIN
Unfortunately there’s nothing we can do about that because of the Coronavirus. If the blood we need to keep us alive is filled with the Virus, then it would kill us too.

TRINITY
But there is something we can do about it.

Yn’s existence, we made a pact not to cross
that line.

TRINITY
But we’re Aswangs! Lines don’t exist for us! It’s in our very nature to suck the blood out of anyone we want.

YASMIN
Not anymore. Why do you think there’s only four-

XIOMARA
Five.

YASMIN
Oh, sorry, Xiomara, five of us Aswangs openly left in the Bay Area? Remember when KRON did stories about Vampires in the city? It spooked all the other Aswangs to go into hiding. That’s why we need to keep this society a secret! And that’s why we have to stick to eating only the people on the list!

ASTRID
But Yasmin, if we could take the blood from anyone other than murderers, pedophiles and hard-core Trumpers, then our lives would be so much more awesome!

JAEL
(In a British Accent) And I’m fooking bloody ‘ell sick and tired of Blood Pudding, Fish and Chips, and this bloody fookin’ accent!

YASMIN
And that’s why Xiomara is here.

ASTRID
Oh. I wouldn’t feel comfortable about taking her blood. I just welcomed her.

TRINITY
Shoot, I didn’t. Let’s do this!

YASMIN
No, Trinity. She’s an Aswang just like us. But she’s also a
chef.

A doorbell is heard.

YASMIN (CONT’D)
Thank you, DoorDash. Your meeting meals has arrived.

The screen’s fade to black and fades back up with all of the Aswangs grinning from ear-to-ear from having the BEST MEAL OF THEIR LIVES!

ASTRID
Oh My God! That was the best Dinuguan ever!

JAEL
Fuck rolling, my eyeballs were doing somersaults it was so good!

TRINITY
How’d you do that? I tasted every molecule of Zinc, Iron, and Copper with the right amount of salt, fat, and… was that a hint of calamansi?

XIOMARA
Thanks. I studied Molecular and Physical Gastronomy from the French Chef, Henri Chevalier [Henry Chav-ah-leer].

ASTRID
Oooo, Henri Chevalier [On-ree Chev-ahl-yay]! Didn’t he create that type of cooking?

JAEL
And didn’t he mysteriously disappear a few years ago?

XIOMARA
And he mysteriously tasted really good. But thanks to him, I perfected how to make the taste of Dinuguan keep us Aswangs alive during the pandemic… well, until we have herd immunity.

XIOMARA let’s out a devilish grin.

ASTRID
That’s SO BADASS!

TRINITY
THAT’S IT!!! That’s our new name! The Bay Area Division of the Aswang Secret Society!

A beat to let the first letters sink in.

YASMIN
BADASS?

TRINITY
BADASS.

JAEL
Fuck yeah!

YASMIN
Everyone who wants to vote for BADASS as our NU name, in this NU Year, say, Aye!

EVERYONE
Aye!

END OF PLAY

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Headshot of Conrad A. Panganiban

Conrad A. Panganiban (he/him/his) is an award-winning Filipino American playwright representing the San Francisco Bay Area. His plays include Daryo’s All-American Diner, Welga, and River’s Message. Conrad’s work has been produced by Bindlestiff Studio, The Chikahan Company, CIRCA Pintig (IL), the MaArte Theatre Collective, and CATS (Contemporary Asian Theatre Scene) . Awards include: Best Play of 2023, Daryo’s All-American Diner (BroadwayWorldAwards Chicago), Best New Play, Daryo’s All-American Diner (Chicago Reader, Best of 2023), Susan Fairbrook Playwright Fund Awardee (TheatreWorks Silicon Valley), 2023 New Voices in Comedy Writing Fellowship (Killing My Lobster), James Milton Highsmith Award Winner (SFSU), National Ten-Minute Play Festival Finalist (Actors Theatre of Louisville), and Bay Area Playwrights Festival Semi-Finalist (Playwrights Foundation). Resident Artist: Bindlestiff Studio. Member: Dramatist Guild of America, and Theatre Bay Area. MFA, San Francisco State University. @consplayspace

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