Haven’t written a real blog post in some time. But glad this is here, cuz I need some reflection time about a staged reading production that had one of my plays. Let me preface this by saying the production itself was AMAZING! It was the 2nd Annual Playwright Festival produced by CATS in San Jose, CA. Everyone from the producers, actors, directors, volunteers were just the most marvelous people!
What I’m about to post is all about me–I was left feeling empty after the show. It was the greatest honor to be asked to write for them again. And that’s something I’d never take advantage of. After all these years, as a playwright, the hardest thing is to have a written play get shown to a public audience! No matter if it’s a momth-long run or a one afternoon stage read, if there’s actors saying words out loud that I wrote, THAT’S THE TOP!
So why the empty vibe? I’m still trying to answer that. One reason could be that I was by myself. Of course, I had friends there, like those from the production. But…. I don’t know. After the show was done–my play was the final one of the evening–(oh, I forgot we did a panel afterwards), but after that I felt really alone and unfulfilled. That was the FIRST time I’ve ever experienced that feeling. I already explained all the reasons why I shouldn’t feel this way (THAT’S THE TOP!) but… sigh.
Writing this down makes it look like I’m ungrateful for this opportunity. Believe me, I’m not! I truly am GRATEFUL beyond words for every and any chance to share my work. And people LAUGHED and appreciated my little Easter eggs dropped off by audience members who watch last year’s show! They came up to me and said how much they like my work. But, that’s probably why I’m perplexed at the state of being void at that moment.
So what am I chasing now? Selflessly, I got into writing for the stage BECAUSE I loved that feeling of receiving those reactions and hopefully being able to provide a brief sense of escape from reality if needed via laughter, applause, or even an audible Gasp (which I did hear). Yet….
ALL THIS BEING SAID, I know that this is all in my head. I have tremendously supportive friends whom I love, adore, and straight up dead-ass about whether they like my ish or not. Which leads me to feeling kinda guilty for having that cavernous hole of emotions as sat in the audience seating looking at everyone milling around with their smiles and praise for each other and their work while I Eeyor’ed wishing I could do the same for mine.
It’s been a couple of months since that show has passed and remembering that moment rains those same thoughts. Luckily, having been fortunate to have people want to hear and see my work (STILL) is giving me hope. And it’s great to remember one of my favorite answers to the question, “So, what’s the favorite play that you’ve written?”
The next one.