Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
I’m in a rut with my writing because I no longer have the need to please anyone. It’s a weird discovery I made while thinking about why I just can’t seem to get in the writing spirit. It’s definitely not for the lack of having nothing to write. On the contrary, I have too much to write and to do. I have to edits to Cursed House of the Marasigans I need to layer in. I need to hustle to put together a reading of Julie and The Starmaker. And then I’ll be perpetually writing The Pascual Family Detectives. But for the last month, I haven’t been motivated to be creative (in that way).
So instead of working on my craft, I’ve been working on everything for playwriting EXCEPT for writing a play. I’ve been working on my book (coming out January 2026 through PAWA Press by way of the Poeta en SF Publication Fund), learning how to use AI to adopt it into my writing process, create a podcast using AI voices, and today was spent creating new headshots. Again… anything but writing.
So for the last couple of months, not only have I not felt guilty about not being able to write, but it’s about been about not really being worried about it. Actually, I’ll take that back. It’s been more like… I’ve had a tremendous career. I’ve always maintained that I’ve been so incredibly lucky to have my plays staged. It’s been more evident as I worked on my book. I’m have something like 40-something productions, on stage or on a Zoom Screen. I’ve had a lot of readings and worked with the most amazing theatre makers! I’m done… well, I feel complete.
But on the flipside of that, I kinda feel like I’ve topped out on this playwriting “career.” I don’t know if I can actually grow more. I feel like, it’s not because of not trying. I’ve felt like I’ve hustled at this game for so long. Again, with the book as perspective, I looked back at the 20+ years of writing, editing, submitting, being in rehearsals, applied, get rejected, and so on and so forth… and I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling, or kinda, believing that I’ve kinda reached my peak. I had dreams of my work being produced by a theater with over 1000 seats. I had dreams of getting Inay’s Wedding Dress seen on a Big Screen. I had dreams that my LA family would be in the audience for one of my plays. I still have dreams that something will happen with The Pascual Family Detectives.
So needless to say, it’s been pretty depressing to know that NONE of these things will come true, no matter how hard I try.
But here’s where my EPIPHANY flicked on the light switch… I reached the point in my career where I was writing FOR all of these things instead of writing for the love, the craft, the characters, the story, the representation… and for me.
Welps, the best thing about being a writer for this long is knowing that these depressive writing stages come in waves! And like CBT, sometimes the best way to pull out of being in that funk is to first understand the cause… and know that I’ll get back on the saddle soon enough.
